can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
