If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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