I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
