He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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