just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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