I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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