I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
