i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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