So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
