In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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