We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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