dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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