I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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