to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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