Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
