Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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