Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize