Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
