Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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