So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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