Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
