and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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