girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Randomize
