hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
