I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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