Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
