Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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