I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
