Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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