Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
