is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
