She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just want nice things and good sex
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
