Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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