I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
