On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have fence marks all over my body
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
