Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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