We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
