I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
