you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
