My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
