Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
