sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
