why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
