Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
