her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
