half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
