Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
