my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
