everyone is single if you try hard enough
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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