i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
cat food counts as protein by the way
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
