She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I want to fling myself into the sun
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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