After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
This house was built for laser tag.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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