I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
