I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
